mental health

BEFORE & AFTER – Gaining Happiness

Times have changed and I know a lot of people are now wanting to gain muscles instead of just getting skinnier or losing weight, which is how I feel like it used to be. If you, as a girl, were working out you just wanted to get a little bit toned and would much more rather loose weight than gain it. I remember I wouldn’t lift any heavier than like a 5kg weight because I didn’t wanna get muscles that were “too big” . Because I was a girl and it wasn’t pretty. Stupid, right? This was before I developed a serious problem with food, weight and my measurements, but I still had that mindset.

That’s loooong gone now and I love lifting heavy weights. I mostly do legs, that’s no lie, and I guess partly how that started was also a result of the world changing around us and what became more “popular”. Now I feel differently. I do love having more curves, but I most importantly have a genuine passion for working out with weights and getting stronger – it gives me a lot more than what just running on a treadmill does. It’s a little break from all the stress around me, just going to the gym and focusing on me and what I’m doing in that exact moment and only that. Working out has always been some sort of therapy for me, no doubt.

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It’s clear to see the difference on the outside, but the changes on the inside are what matters the most. On the left you see a young girl who had actually GAINED weight after being in Athens and then I had arrived in Milan, still extremely skinny and also sick. My body was craving so much because I had been neglecting it from everything for such a long time that I started buying crazy amounts of junk food, going back to the model apartment, eating it all, then not eating anything the next day except for drinking juice because I felt bad. I remember feeling so ashamed, just thinking how in the world I became “that girl”. Truth is: anyone can. As this was going on I was even helping other models struggling, giving them advice and talking to them about their problems with food and their bodies. It’s crazy how much in denial I was.

I remember that later, after Milan, when I started gaining weight because I actually got a inflammation in my stomach as a result of everything I had done (will have to live with that forever) and had to start a medicine that gave me a lot of water weight, my model agent sent me pictures from my Milan trip saying how perfect I was back then. I mean, how does it not mess you up?

Then on the right – you can see me now. Healthier and happier. Strong and in love with both pizza and green tea.

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I will always have a slim figure, it’s just in my genes and I am not trying to show you guys what anyone should look like, or what a transformation should be. This is just mine. That is not what I am trying to shed light on – no body types, no big or small, no thigh gap this or big butt that. It’s the happiness you give yourself when you decide to just let you be you. The healthy version of you. Wether it’s going to the gym just a little bit more, or going a little bit less. Wether it’s to stop letting yourself not eat what you want because of “carbs”, or if it’s adding more vegetables to your dinner instead of eating noodles every day. It’s all about balance. Too much of anything is never good.

I found change in the people around me as well, I started realising what was important – knowing I could not live my life like this. I met Dan and all I started doing was living in the moment. Food was something to enjoy and love was something you couldn’t define by a body or an image. I realised love is real and it doesn’t judge. So I stopped doing that as well. I decided to give love to the real me and everything that comes with doing so.

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Photographs

Just Me & the Sunrise

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My favourite part of the day will always be the morning. The mornings when I can wake up, fix my coffee and breakfast, sit alone and do my work – work creatively with the things I enjoy like editing, writing and making plans for what I want to shoot or focus on next. Just a nice and peaceful time to take in new ideas and inspiration.

Fresh coffe, low music, notebooks.

My inspiration for 2019. Maybe I would be able to start every day this way by next year.

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Photographs

I Can’t Describe It

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Photos taken back in my hometown by my mom. I miss her ❤

I’m kinda stuck with a feeling of not knowing what I’m doing, not even knowing how I feel about Sydney yet. So far it’s been stressful and less free than what I remember when I first moved to London. I know it’s partly because the circumstances are different, but I also know what situations and moments I need. It’s not always the easiest thing even though you know why and how and all that. You probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’ll continue writing anyway.  It ‘s so difficult describing what I’m feeling because I really don’t know just now, I’m not sure.

I’m now 22 and it feels weird to be honest. Well only the number I guess. Saying it and writing it. It just doesn’t feel like me. Your age isn’t you, but it’s still weird. I’ve decided this is going to be the year of realising things. Just realising everything. Kidding. I think you know where I was going. But I do want to figure out things. It’s not very specific, I know, but luckily I know what I mean. It’s difficult though. I just feel like there’s so many parts of me, so many passions and it’s all just a bit too blurry. As long as I try and also remember to challenge myself, then possibly end up failing, but for sure learning, then do it again, and eventually get to where I want. Sounds like a plan? I think so.

Something random: Today was the craziest weather day here in Sydney. It was a thunderstorm and I’ve never experienced anything like it. I believe there were quite a few accidents though, at least one very bad, which is extremely sad. I find it so scary how you can just leave home one morning and then never come back again… It’s very true but so upsetting…

I hope the weather was better where you are, and that you’re all good and safe!

traveling

We’re Moving Again!

Our permanent apartment won’t be ready until next Saturday, and as we couldn’t stay in the current Airbnb until then, we had to book another one for the four days before Saturday. That means moving again, packing up all the clothes and even food we’ve bought this time – which is annoying, especially since I’ve started work as well, but it’s all gonna be worth it on Saturday! So far it’s all going very good, I just really can’t wait until we’re properly settled into our new home.

I was off this weekend, and it was so nice getting that Friday feeling again – being able to sleep in and just experience more of Sydney. We actually went to Manly to eat and have some cocktails, before we went back home to change and go out in central. If you like Hip Hop or R&B I recommend going to The Cliff Dive. I have been there twice now and both times it’s been good music and just good vibes. If you want to sit and have a table you would probably have to come early, but it’s a place for mostly dancing so if that’s your type of nights out you’ll be fine.

Today has been a more chill day, pizza and sleeping in – but we actually felt so good despite going out we decided to go to the gym as well. The nicest thing without a doubt is the jacuzzi after, it’s going to be so sad to leave behind.

I also contacted a few modeling agencies today, so hopefully I’ll be able to get in touch with someone this week. It’s not always the easiest thing finding the right modeling agency as there’s so many different ones, but the main thing is always finding someone who understands you and what you want to do.

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This is a photo taken from the ferry the other day, I love how you basically can take boats how you take trains to go places here. I also need to tell you about my birthday last week in a different post, so stay tuned! I hope everyone has (or had) a nice Sunday, wherever you are in the world.

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traveling

Good, Important Changes

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For the last year (++) I have been lifting weights and from that I’ve become both more strong and curvy, which I honestly feel so comfortable with. I am so happy that I’ve gotten to the stage I have, just thinking back at how I started my modeling career now seems like a completely different world to me. I am so happy for my experience through the good and the bad.

I actually start a new job on Monday – where I can still use my experience as a model, be strong and exactly how I am, and for once really understand and see a different side to the fashion industry. More of the business side and the parts behind it all. Being part of a company and a team, not just a model and a mannequin.

It’s so crazy how things work out sometimes. You really don’t know what the next day will bring until it’s here. Suddenly I have a job I really wanted and an apartment in Sydney. I’m grateful.

It’s currently 03:03am here and I have been looking at “awkward moments” videos on YouTube for too many hours now. I started off with someone singing and now I’m way past that. Time to go to bed.

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It’ s also my birthday on Saturday and I have no idea what I’m doing. Dan has planned something so I’m just gonna be excited and wait ❤