personal · Thoughts

If They Don’t See It, Don’t Care

What annoys me a lot is when people keep getting dragged down for their hard work because someone is not there to witness it, or the changes can’t be seen instantly. So they think it’s okay to assume or say things that is in reality so far from the truth. I see it happen a lot, and has experienced it as well.

I think the best way to go about it is just to ignore it. As long as you yourself know how hard you are working and the effort you’re putting in, that’s all that matters ❤ Time will show everyone so you shouldn’t be bothered about it, even though it might be difficult at times.

The most important thing will always be the people you choose to have around you. Because it is actually a decision. If they want to see you happy, if they want you to do things for yourself as well, and if they see and appreciate all the effort and hard work you’re putting into things that matters to you.

And not bringing you down for the effort towards where you want to be.

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Some thoughts from a sick Marte in bed. Hopefully I will get better very soon ❤

personal · Thoughts

Why Are You Not Talking?

So I did a post on my previous Norwegian blog about this, which I know came to a surprise to a lot of people. And now I’m doing it in English so anyone who does not understand Norwegian can still understand what I have been through and what so many others are going through. 

Why are you not talking?

It’s when you can tell the world about the things you keep so close that you start to let them go, or has already let them go.

Maybe not the world, but at least being able to talk about it – tell it to someone else.

This is the most personal post I have ever written, and ever will write.

When I talk about it it seems like an entire life away, a different girl. At the same time I remember it so well, the feelings and the despair.

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Little Marte that went to kindergarten. Mom had no idea. Dropped me off and picked me up – I got in the car and started talking with no stop.

There is a lot of people going through tough and hard times as kids, even though you might be very young and can not remember the exact moments it does not mean that the little person wasn’t present in those moments and that it won’t affect the child as it gets older. That is exactly what happens. The brain is very good at purposely forgetting and shutting out bad memories or bad things, but it does not mean that it’s not still there in the subconsciousness. 

The little girl that moved to Bodø. Went to kindergarten and kept talking non stop with Mom.

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All until one day the kindergarten aunt (we call them that in Norway) said she had to speak with Mom.

“Marte doesn’t talk.”

More things made sense to Mom. I had always been quiet when she came inside to pick me up, but the second we got into the car I started talking again.

I talked to my two best friends in kindergarten. I trusted them. Kindergarten aunties could stand outside the door of the room we were playing inside to hear me talk, and that was the only times they would hear my voice.

After that it was multiple years with minimal talking. I went to school with the same people for years, but I guarantee they could count on one hand the times they heard me speak. No way they would get to know me either.

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It is so clear on photographs as well. To the left you can tell I’m confident and feel safe, to the right you can see I feel unsafe and uncomfortable with other people around me.

Looking back at it I think it’s sad. I was such a good kid with strong opinions and always made the people close to me laugh either when we were playing Idol or played dress up or any of the other ideas I always came up with. I wish more people got the chance to know that little girl.

The few people I trusted and let in has been with me since then. I hope and do believe that is the reason why I’m able to keep and take care of good friendships today. I have had them by my side through everything and they were the first ones I let in. Malin, Martine and Mathilde.

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I could probably have written an entire book about this. My feelings, my despair, the reason for everything and how I got out of it.

So how did I feel? Why did I choose to not speak?

It was never a choice. What kid would ever choose to not speak up, not get to know new people, listen to adults and kids talk about you – but say nothing yourself?

I wanted to talk so bad. I always answered in class. In my head. I just could not get it out. It was a block there.

When I got a bit older and could say a few things I got even more attention when I did because it was so rare. It only made it worse.

If it was something I hated it was attention. I hated it more than anything.

I have been so insecure and I have been so scared to trust people.

When I was around people I did not trust it was all I could think about. “I have to try and say something, just anything”, “It doesn’t fit the conversation, everyone will be staring”.

I just need to try everything so they won’t ask that question.

My stomach hurts so much then. It’s a type of feeling I would never want my worst enemy to experience. I still remember that horrible feeling.

“Why are you not talking?”

Auch. There it is.

Today I know that no one ever asked that question to be mean. Kids are kids. Kids are supposed to talk and play and laugh and tell stories and get to know other kids – especially if you are in the same class. 

Kis are curious. Of course they will ask why. Why a little girl choose to never say anything. It is such a strange thing for kids that don’t know what it’s about. It’s hard to understand.

I did not even know what it was about. I also wanted to be like everyone else.

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I’m gonna let you guys know one thing. It is insane how drained and tired it made me. I can tell you that it’s tiring to jog for an hour, to work for 9 hours, to do a commercial for 24 hours. But all those thoughts, all that frustrations inside the head and body of a little girl – that it the most tiring things in the whole world for a girl that wants to so bad, but just can’t. A girl that feels so different, but still just like everyone else. “If only I could show how I, Marte, really is, then I know you and you and you would actually like me so much.”

I did not like other people talking about me, or saying my name. Because when they said it they were talking about the girl that didn’t talk, it was not the stubborn Marte that my Mom knew, the annoying little sister my brother knew, or the goofy girl my best friends knew. It was my name, but I never wanted to hear it from them because they weren’t talking to the girl they thought they were. I was not weak or an invisible person, but that is what I felt when they said my name. It might have been easy to see that little girl as that. If they only knew what was going on inside my head.

Stress, despair and worries a seven year old is not supposed to have. I had so many more “adult” thoughts even then compared to kids my age. I had a lot of time to think while the others were talking

But there’s a hero in this story as well.

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My amazing Mom.

If it had not been for you I would never have been where I am today. I know for certain I would not be living in London. I would not have experienced half of what I have today.

She read and studied and talked to anyone and everyone who could know anything about this. Selective Mutism. Anxiety of speaking.

She didn’t pamper me, she explained to me that I had to challenge myself if I wanted to get better. If I wanted to talk more.

It was so hard, but she was right. We went to a place almost every Saturday, a place we had been going to since we moved to Bodø. I wanted water, sometimes hot chocolate. If I wanted it I had to go with my mom up to the counter and ask for myself. Sometimes I ended up with water or hot chocolate, sometimes I ended up with nothing.

But it got better, and it got easier.

Mom was right.

School was something else. It was so much I really wanted to say – and I wanted everyone else to get to know me and not just be the girl that doesn’t talk – I knew that I was so much more than that. I wanted them to know the girl I was at home or with my best friends. Smiling and happy, pretty funny at times, and the most stubborn little girl. Not afraid to talk.

It took time. There was so many things I wanted to say, but I was overthinking and could not get anything out until the people around me started talking about something new, and then I felt like it was too late.

Every time I went home from school without being able to say what I wanted, I felt like a failure. That feeling was horrible. Stomach ache and so very tired from walking with my shoulders up to my ears and all the thoughts that had been going through my head.

Sometimes I did it. And then I left school with a better feeling. If I could not do it next day again I felt even more horrible. I did it yesterday? So why not today?

After a while I got more tough for every day that passed. Sometimes it was still extra hard.

What changed me a lot I would say is traveling. It was a huge turning point for me.

I started seeing things differently. We are all just people living our lives, why should I care so much? I need to be proud of who I am – and be able to show it. It’s not a bad thing that people are interested in who I am, not a bad thing to get attention. I need to talk.

I started getting annoyed at myself. I am a good person – I know I should have a lot better confidence. I’m hiding away, hiding away everything that makes me Marte. Everyone should get the chance to see how weird and happy I can be, how strong opinions I have.

I can’t be wasting all my good characteristics and only keep them to myself. I need to listen to what my close ones tell me.

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I remember things really starting to change. But back home I still got some of those old feelings back. I think it was the memories.

I also think that so many years spent just observing people, just listening to them talk, how they choose their words and looking at their body language – made me kind of an expert when it comes to reading people.

That today has really payed off. I notice all the small things that might be difficult for others to see. Signs of nervousness, lies, people trying to be someone else, people hurting inside. I always have enough confidence to let people know my opinions, more than that even – I will always speak up if I think something is wrong. I am not afraid to show my reactions. I don’t let people scare me anymore, no matter how big authority anyone has it does not mean you are more worth, that you have more of a right to speak your mind or that what you say is more correct – I can tell that everyone has their insecurities, that it is so many people trying to be someone else. Everyone is struggling with their own stuff, and that’s just how it is.

I have pushed myself so much throughout my life. I’m so thankful for my stubbornness.

My stubbornness started showing more than ever when I was struggling the most with talking. My teacher at school and my Mom used to write to each other, and make a plan for when I should try and say things in class so I could be prepared and actually do it. One time everyone was going to say a song they liked. For me it was between two different songs. One had the most difficult and long name, but that one was actually my favourite. The second had the easiest name.

I know for anyone not experiencing this kind of block, this anxiety, can’t imagine how this possibly can be difficult, just say it right? It’s not that easy. The body stiffens and you can’t speak at all. That feeling is so horrible. It’s terrible. I always wanted to, but I couldn’t.

I was screaming and yelling and was so frustrated at home. I have to laugh a bit – if everyone that knew me as the girl who didn’t speak was there to see me then they would have been shocked – talking was not the problem back home where I felt safe. I was again back to feeling completely drained. Mom told me I could say the simple one. No, I couldn’t! It was not my favourite. I ended up saying the hard one. One step closer.

I also remember my Mom organising a little meeting with someone else who had Selective Mutism. It was a little girl my age, and her parents. Mom and me. We went out to eat pizza. That meeting helped me a lot. I realised how far I had gotten, and that it can be even worse for someone else. That I was not alone. I answered her parents when they asked me about something. The girl had to whisper to her parents if she wanted to say anything, and then they had to tell us. I think meeting me gave both her and her parents hope that something could change as well. Sometimes I think about her still – wondering how things are now for her.

Little Marte that did not want to talk to anyone, couldn’t talk to anyone – ended up leaving home at 17, working as a model, being the one asking strangers, calling, fixing things whenever I’m with friends or family, letting everyone know my opinions, experience the world on my own, giving people an opportunity to get to know me – but most importantly, me getting the opportunity to get to know so many new amazing people.

The girl that once hated attention and people noticing her – she now wants you to see her, hear her, and understand her.

We can all get better if we find the strength to push ourselves. No matter how much you are struggling I know things can get better, it can get so much better. Don’t let your past define you, please don’t. You have new opportunities every single day.

I don’t want you guys to compare this to being shy – it’s something different.  I remember I hated that word. I truly hated it when people used it regarding me – or asked me if I was shy. I wasn’t – I just couldn’t get out anything that was going on inside my head! I hated it when people made me feel like I was weak and someone who was less worth, that I was no one. I was 7 years old, 10 years old, 12 years old – and I could already see how badly everyone around me was trying, how they tried to be accepted by others, how insecure they really were, but I was still sitting there feeling that horrible feeling because I could not get any words out. I think that was something that made me feel a bit better. “You’re not fooling me, I can see that you are struggling – you as well.”

I think that was part of my motivation. I wanted everyone around me one day to understand that I also understood, I saw so much more than you thought.

On the positive side, people with this condition also have:

❤ Above-average intelligence, perception, or inquisitiveness

❤ Creativity and a love for art or music

❤ Empathy and sensitivity to others’ thoughts and feelings

❤ A strong sense of right and wrong

Thank you so much, Mom. For all the knowledge you have given me, for all the times you made me stronger, for the times you have been there right by my side, and for the times you have let me challenge myself alone. That has all made me into the woman I am today. And that woman – I am so proud of her.

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For the Norwegian post press here.

personal · Thoughts · workout

Why I’m Only Running On 3 Hours Sleep

  • Priorities…

After such a long time just traveling and working now and then, to working fully as much as I can like now is something I really feel on my body and mind. In a way it’s actually nice, because I’m putting more effort into everything at the same time – it’s now more important then ever to think about what I want to spend every other hour of the day doing. On the other hand my legs hurt after working out, walking and standing all day. Still not a very tough life I know. The only thing I’m worried about is me not spending enough time working on bigger things and what I really want to do, and not just getting caught up in making “ok” money for now. But I know where I wanna go and that I need my priorities right for that.

So even though I was very tired yesterday after a long day, I met Dan and we went gym instead of me just going back to eat and sleep. After a few minutes I didn’t feel tired anymore like normally, and it’s so good. I might have ended up with a few hours less sleep then what I could have had, but that’s something I’ll make up for later.

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Now he’s being really nice and making food while I’m about to fall asleep. Hope everyone’s good ❤

Fun facts · personal

10 Questions and 10 Answers!

What’s your favourite things about your personality?

I think my stubbornness. It can be a bad thing as well but it has gotten me where I am today so I can’t not appreciate it. I also think my confidence in myself that hasn’t always been there. I know everyone is worth just as much, and I know everyone can do amazing things if they set their mind to it and work hard. I’m not afraid to say my opinions because I know how important it is, and I need to be honest with people to feel ok when I go to bed at night.

Go swimming in the ocean or in a pool?

I’m sooo scared but at the same time find it so fascinating thinking about everything that lives in the ocean and also everything we don’t even know of… A little fun fact? When I was younger and I wanted to scare myself (don’t know why I have always felt the need for this) I logged into the family computer and I googled “sharks” and I almost couldn’t look at it because I was so scared, haha. So if I can’t see the bottom wherever I’m swimming I will get thoughts about something being underneath me and coming to get me or even bumping into a dead body or something. I’m a bit crazy like that. But if it’s crystal blue and you can see everything like in Thailand it’s amazing and I would choose that over a pool any day ❤

Who did you talk to last on the phone?

Amy actually! Was her birthday yesterday ❤ Talked for an hour and a half on facetime.

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How many pillows do you have in your bed?

We have… I think 6? I’m sitting in the bed now, but Dan is next to me sleeping and I can’t really count. They are all very thin though so I think we like sleep on three each? Haha.

Do you prefer to call or text?

If I have a lot to say I call. But if I’m doing something and also have a lot to do I just text. Usually because I always call on facetime and I just know I will be on the phone for ages.

If I don’t know the person really well also I always text unless I’m meeting up with someone and get lost or something like that.

What dessert it your favourite one?

I don’t ever really eat desserts? Hmm… I will say the one in Thailand though. It was a mango sorbet with sticky rice. I love sticky rice and mango. But mostly I say this ice cream just because I remember the day so well and it gives me just the best feeling.

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What’s your plan today?

Go to work, edit a video, then probably go gym straight after work and then eat something nice (super important), also I should check up on agencies in LA and send some snaps. First I should take new polaroids though, but I woke up with a spot on my nose 😦 Whatever I have to do it anyways.

Beer, wine or drinks?

Well… I do prefer drinks because they taste better to me and doesn’t give you a headache the next day usually. Beer I honestly can’t stand. I tried to drink it when I was hungover just so I could get sick because I hate it so much, haha. Anyways it’s usually wine I go for just because it’s a bit less strong and you can drink more of it without having blackouts and whatnot. Still gives me the worst headache. But vodka is the devil so what can you do 😦

How social are you?

Well I’m basically around people all the time and that’s how it’s been for the last year or so. To be honest I’m a person that really needs alone time and I really enjoy it as well. Some days I would choose just hanging out with myself over anything. But after London I have learned to really enjoy being around people as well. Especially not just people that I know really well, but getting to know other people and just hanging out with a group of different people.

So I would say I’m social pretty much all the time because I’m always with someone, but my personality is for sure a lot less social just because I enjoy not being around anyone and choose to do that as well at times.

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What’s your dream destination?

The whole world? There’s so many places I want to see and experience, but if I must say some places now I think LA and Hawaii. I know people have different opinions about Los Angeles, but to me it’s more about somewhere I just feel like I need to go to, especially at this age. I have wanted to go since I was a kid and now that I’m getting closer and closer it will feel nice to get there regardless if it’s how I imagined or not. And Hawaii… Do I even need to write anything? Everything about it seems amazing. I want to get there and just work at a beach bar for some months. Just chill out and be happy with me and my drinks in a bikini.

Found these questions on some Norwegian bloggers site, so thought I would do one in English ❤

personal · traveling

I’m Back In London!

Photo on 23-07-17 at 17.40 #3

After a short and nice, but tiring weekend back home I’m now back in London. Not enough sleep mixed with alcohol doesn’t always go well with me. I have always had a need to take enough time for myself when it comes to sleep and getting things done, as well as just relaxing because I do stress too much, so it’s important for me to have a “break” once in a while. And when that doesn’t happen I basically get ill, like I have been all day. That mixed with traveling is not a good mix.

But – I must say it was worth it. It’s been such a great weekend, and I’ll keep the nice memories!

Now I’m very ready to start a new week, new job as a hostess, and just work even harder! Also so good to see Dan again ❤ He makes me feel at home even though I just left. I remember Caitlin saying “the traveler found a home” when we started getting more serious. It’s kinda cute? If you like those cheesy things 🙂 Now we’ll go to the shop then fall asleep watching something.

personal · Thoughts

Is That Who You Want To Be?

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Last day of the festival is over, and I don’t mind to be honest. It was fun and nice to hang out with my friends again, but I also see how I have changed and I don’t mind going home a bit earlier because I’m only there to meet my friends anyways, not to stay out until morning.

I know that if I kept doing what I used to it wouldn’t ever bring me anything positive because of where I am in my life right now. It comes to a point in the night where I’ll let my friends do their thing and let them have the convos with the cute guys they saw or let them listen to the ridiculous pick up lines some guys come up with, because they should also have those moments  – but I realise that I don’t feel like there’s anything for me obviously because of where I am just now in my life.

I think at times you will feel the need to focus on yourself as well. You should. That can also be a reason as to why you feel like you want to step out of situations that you usually experience when you chose to stick around or just stay around certain people. The situations you witness at times can make you question people. And I think you should.

You want to be a responsible and good person? That is something you will prove true or false by just being you and what type of situations you put yourself in.

At times I feel so frustrated and hopeless for certain people to ever understand the importance of respecting the ones you keep close. When I see and experience how some people act. It’s actually weird because after this weekend I could give so many different examples.

I think the main thing is to remember yourself and who you want to be.

Then again I also see and experience so many amazing people giving the perfect example of being a respectful and genuine good person, it’s just less of them it seems like unfortunately.

So if you got one I hope you give them back what they deserve, and if you can’t do that I hope you can let someone else do that.